The Nose Knows

I snore.


And I sleepwalk/scare my wife.

Apparently, I have inherited the worst of both worlds from my parents. Growing up, I remember waking up 3 doors down from my parent’s room and hearing my dad snore. However, ‘snore’ is a weak word to use to describe what he was actually doing. You’ve heard of ‘sawing logs’ and ‘catching a few zzzzzz’s’, right? Those would be pleasant alternatives to the sound barrier breaking nasal snorts my dad is capable of. The noises he makes would wake the dead but ironically, don’t wake him. (Does that make him beyond dead? I wouldn’t know because I (apparently) snore just as bad.)

And don’t get me started on my mom. She’s a night screamer. She has incredibly vivid dreams and is like to scream at the top of her lungs things like, “Don’t go on the ice! You’ll fall through, Goddamn it!” and “I put the sales receipt in the f*cking bag! Don’t tell me I can’t return this piece of shit!”

I have inherited these fun-filled genetic horrors. My wife never knows if I’m awake or asleep when she drags me off the sofa and I start shouting things at her. I can’t count the number of mornings I have woken up only to find her staring at me, wringing her hands with a look of pure murder in her eyes.

Anyway, by now you’ve gathered that I’m useless when it comes to letting my wife have a decent night’s sleep so I broke down today and made a special Sunday trip to the supermarket and bought some nose strips to maybe help me not suffocate through the course of the night and maybe, perchance let her sleep the night through without her wanting to kill me in the morning. (A bonus for both of us.)



Oh man! I’m sure to rest easy tonight! (Actually, I CAN breathe better. The temptation now is to wear this stupid strip all the time. Would anybody notice? I’m a lot taller than most people here in Belfast. They would never know…)

So that was my Sunday.

(Also, in case you were wondering what happened to
Emo Phillips he was on some show or the other here in the UK this past Saturday night.)




  1. I share your affliction. If you’re anything like me, the strip will not work effectively.

    What does work is nasal drops/spray, except it is not good for you to take more than a few days in a row.

  2. While I don’t share the snoring affliction, I do talk in my sleep. I tend to share family, work, and government secrets with whoever is in my presence, when I’m asleep. Needless to say, the government prohibits me from sleeping, unless the person…ahem…has been run through the WHOPPER and checked out. πŸ™‚

    WHOPPER is from the movie WarGames, if ya didn’t know. One of my favorite movies of all time.

  3. I’ve tried those strips. They worked for about a week.

    I snore so loud it sounds like I’m trying to inhale the pillow case through my nose.

    I’m not quite sure how that would feel.

    Lubricant anyone?

  4. I’ve tried the nose drops/sprays and they work wonders but, like Phil said, you can’t keep usin’ em. (However, a saline spray worked pretty well–when I remembered to use it).

    I gotta say, I’m loving the strip at the moment. I’ve been wearing it for a good 3 hours this evening and I’m agog at how much I can smell. I didn’t realize how handicapped I was in the olfactory sense.

    I’m seriously considering wearing these things ALL the time.

  5. No doubt, they help you breathe. It’s when you go to sleep that the rubber meets the road.

    I’ll wait for Ruth’s testimonial, but I think you’ll both find they aren’t as effective when lying down.

  6. Without reaching into a box to dig out my old worn copy of Wargames (the novel by David Bischoff, rather than the film) – wasn’t it WOPR?

  7. You’ve lost me Alan…

  8. He is referring to Jefferson’s post above, and yes Alan, you are correct.

  9. Thanks for the clarification, Phil. It seems my lack of sleep (due to my wife’s constant kidney punches in her futile attempts to get me to roll over) has affected my attention span.

  10. Thanks for the clarification, Phil. It seems my lack of sleep (due to my wife’s constant kidney punches in her futile attempts to get me to roll over) has affected my attention span and reading comprehension levels…

  11. And has caused you to repeat yourself.

  12. Thanks for the clarification Alan. πŸ™‚

  13. So Wayne, can we assume that the nose strips aren’t bringing you a good night’s sleep?

    Maybe you’re trying to fix the problem the wrong way.

    You could try buying some cheap talking book tapes on eBay and play them to yourself (and perhaps your wife) to get off to sleep? Fall asleep to some Colin Dexter or Agatha Cristie.

  14. It’s only Day Two Alan, and so far the results are mixed:

    On the plus side: I can actually smell. I know I’ve said this before but it’s worth repeating because normally I can’t smell a skunk crossing the road (true).

    On the down side: My nose is getting a bit raw and tender from the adhesive on the nosestrips and it looks like it’s sunburned (my nose, not the strips).

    Verdict from wife: Snoring is less but still there. (Kidney punches have been replaced with semi-half-hearted smothering attempts with my pillow.)

  15. > On the plus side: I can actually smell.

    Maybe I should try them. I don’t snore, but haven’t had a sense of smell for 10+ years. It would be handy to pick up the whiff of dirty nappies remotely, without having to change them to find out!

  16. I have been told that I snore much less when I am sleeping on my stomach.

    Thankfully, I am more comfortable sleeping on my stomach, and I tend to do it all the time.

    I remember when NFL football players were wearing those strips left and right on the field to get better breathing.

  17. I simply can’t sleep on my stomach, Steve. Don’t know why, but that’s how it is.

    Alan, do you REALLY want to be able to smell diapers from a distance?

  18. Does nobody but me remember Emo Phillips? Man, that guy was hilarious! And I’m NOT joking! He really was!

    (jeez, I’m a nerd…)

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