You Drive Me Crazy

Today is the infamous12th of July here in Northern Ireland.

Supposedly there is normally a lot of bullshit and terror and oogie-boogie people running around fighting, throwing small children into bonfires and shouting things like, “Oh yeah??? Well, your momma is so fat she has her own zip-code” and whatnot.

We didn’t see any of that. (It’s been pretty quiet. And I didn’t get any pics of the bonfires. I’m lame.)

Instead, my wife and I went for a drive today and discovered that there were approximately 3 other cars on the road. I figure this was because:

A: People are still haunted by past “Troubles” and just assume that they can’t go anywhere without a brick being thrown through their windscreen (windshield).

B: The weather was so shitty nobody wanted to go anywhere. (Lord, did it rain today…)

C: People were avoiding me at all costs because of my recent behavior at a showing of “Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest” this weekend.

I opt for “C”. (But only because I’m self-centered.)

I very seldom go to the movie theatre anymore. Mainly because everytime I do go I get stuck either in front of or behind the biggest bunch of shitheads on the planet.

This past weekend was no different.

I can’t remember the last time I have been the to the movies where I didn’t have to turn around and “Shussshh!” somebody or kick the back of their chairs to make them sit up straight and enjoy the goddamn movie they just paid 9$ a pop to see. (Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people? If I pay 9$ for ANYTHING I put my full attention to it. Even if, god forbid, it’s educational.)

Anyway, we went to the Pirates movie (which was OK…not great…but OK) and about halfway through the talky-chatty-seat-kicking mofos behind me decided to pass around a bag of crisps (potato chips) and…my god… the sound of the crunching that came from the weirdo creepy kid’s mouths behind me…sweet merciful murder! I coulda screamed!

So I turned around and said this:

“Could you chew with your goddamn mouths closed? What? Are you retarded?”

I will never forget the blank stares from the kids and apologetic response from the parents.

You wouldn’t either because, of course, the kids were retarded.

This is why I very seldom open my mouth in public.

(I’m expecting a brick through the living room window any moment now.)



  1. I ran across a similar story to this just yesterday on entitled – the dreaded foot-in-mouth disease.

    It seems to be going around.

  2. It’s hard to get the correct type of small child to throw into a bonfire anymore. I think it’s environmently unfriendly now, next they’ll say burning tyres is some sort of perversion.

    What a place Northern Ireland is becoming, it’s so sad when I remember the good old days 😉

  3. Yes Cybez, it is sad. All these people getting along…what’s up with that?

  4. Just thinking…
    The TV stations news programmes ratings will go down. Petrol sales for petrrol bombs would too.IRA fundraising trips in the US, where would they go on holiday then.Ian Paisley speaking a bit quieter.A stable local government that actually met more than once every 3 or 4 years.
    I’m sure there’s more.

    Seriously, I think the lack of media hype this year, about especially Drumcree, helped a lot towards it being so peacefull. Also both sides, in relation to Ardoyne, meeting was a huge step forward.

  5. Yeah, all joking aside, I think the lack of media coverage definitely helped. It’s like the show-off on the playground–if everyone stops paying attention to him he’ll go away.

  6. Please tell me you are serious.

    Also, my wife & I will take special care to consider the movie, and which theater will have the fewest shithead teenagers in attendance.

  7. Yes, Phil.
    I am serious. And I feel bad…I mean what are the odds that the kids you just called retarded are, in fact, handi-capable?
    But I have resolved the spiritual conflict within myself that this has caused and will be posting soon on how this was achieved.

  8. my site for iranian مازیار گیلانی طنز نویس و خبر نگار

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