Still reeling from the shock of inadvertently calling a spade a spade (or a retard a retard–see post below) I decided that I would dedicate the rest of this week to doing nothing but good for my fellow living creatures.
I figured the best way to do this would be to dedicate my life to a good cause because karma is fickle (and -I believe- easily fooled). Surely, there was some way to get back into the Cosmo’s Good Books.
The answer practically leapt out at me today as I was idly surfing the interwebs and I happened upon the
After a quick perusal of said site, I exclaimed, “Yes! I should become an ordained minister for a nondescript, probably illegal church!”
And that’s exactly what I did.
As you can see from the irrefutable proof presented in JPEG form above, I am now the Reverend ****** Wayne Van Ry (I’ve blocked out my first name because of highly sensitive government reasons. (OK, I just don’t like my first name very much. Sue me.))
Not only does this mean I’m better than you but it will sit nicely next to my “Official Texas Liar’s Club” certificate which I earned in Galveston, Texas in 1991. (I’m a man of many talents.)
The results of having given my life to purity and holiness was practically instantaneous. Not only was I called upon by the fair Account Handlers upstairs to rescue a bird that flew into the building (Success! Why, yes, I am the bravest man in the world, thank you for asking) but I finally received the check from the guy who sold our Blazer back in the States (which you can also see in the photo above).
But that’s not all!
I am now legally (yes, you read that right, legally) entitled to officiate at weddings, funerals, baptisms, house blessings and any other ritual or ceremony! (Except circumcisions, but, let’s face it, that’s hardly a loss. Besides, I don’t believe in circumcision–ceremonial or otherwise. Everyone wins in this regard. And by “everyone” I mean “me”.)
The best part is I have now been absolved of ALL sins and have the power to absolve others as well. It says so right on the website.
So if any of you have sins you’d like to fess up to, I will gladly give you a clean bill of spiritual health. Especially if the sin is a really good one.
Wow. What a great day!