Wayne Loves You–One and All.


Still reeling from the shock of inadvertently calling a spade a spade (or a retard a retard–see post below) I decided that I would dedicate the rest of this week to doing nothing but good for my fellow living creatures.

I figured the best way to do this would be to dedicate my life to a good cause because karma is fickle (and -I believe- easily fooled). Surely, there was some way to get back into the Cosmo’s Good Books.


The answer practically leapt out at me today as I was idly surfing the interwebs and I happened upon the

Universal Life Church.

After a quick perusal of said site, I exclaimed, “Yes! I should become an ordained minister for a nondescript, probably illegal church!”

And that’s exactly what I did.

As you can see from the irrefutable proof presented in JPEG form above, I am now the Reverend ****** Wayne Van Ry (I’ve blocked out my first name because of highly sensitive government reasons. (OK, I just don’t like my first name very much. Sue me.))

Not only does this mean I’m better than you but it will sit nicely next to my “Official Texas Liar’s Club” certificate which I earned in Galveston, Texas in 1991. (I’m a man of many talents.)

The results of having given my life to purity and holiness was practically instantaneous. Not only was I called upon by the fair Account Handlers upstairs to rescue a bird that flew into the building (Success! Why, yes, I am the bravest man in the world, thank you for asking) but I finally received the check from the guy who sold our Blazer back in the States (which you can also see in the photo above).

But that’s not all!

I am now legally (yes, you read that right, legally) entitled to officiate at weddings, funerals, baptisms, house blessings and any other ritual or ceremony! (Except circumcisions, but, let’s face it, that’s hardly a loss. Besides, I don’t believe in circumcision–ceremonial or otherwise. Everyone wins in this regard. And by “everyone” I mean “me”.)

The best part is I have now been absolved of ALL sins and have the power to absolve others as well. It says so right on the website.

So if any of you have sins you’d like to fess up to, I will gladly give you a clean bill of spiritual health. Especially if the sin is a really good one.

Wow. What a great day!


  1. God will see through your little charade – you can’t make up for the movie theater incident with this.

  2. Oh yes I can.
    BTW, Phil…are all of the Playaz baptised? Cuz I’ve got a special running this week…

  3. Can we be absolved with out confessing?

    Couldn’t you just waive your hand around and say something like “It is done”?

    Just askin. I mean, I don’t really need to absolved of anything. I’m totally innocent of any wrong doing ~ahem~

  4. Yes, Nikki, my religion allows me to absolve without the confession. (Spoil sport.)

    It is done!

  5. Well you are addressing 5 individuals who have grown up in the Bible Belt. My assumption is ‘yes’ – Tac is the only one I cannot confirm yay or nay.

  6. I should’ve guessed that Tac was iffy…

  7. hey, thanks for visiting our extravaganza of flanders!

    do you change your design every other day or something? it’s making me laugh.


  8. The flanders rule!
    Umm…yeah, no, um, well…I’m still trying to sort out the whole design thingy. It’s nice to know that it’s amusing.

  9. Another Robbie Williams! I wonder did the BIG man “Rev Dr Ian Paisley” get his Rev from there too and the Dr bit from another site?

  10. I suspect so.
    The Rev Ian Paisley….come on that can’t be real, can it? (BTW if I pay some cash, i can get my doctorate… true. Maybe I should go for it and make myself a real force to be reckoned with in N.I. What do you think????)

  11. Hmmmm perhaps you could come officiate at Amanda’s wedding.

  12. Congratulations on joining the Universal Life Church! I joined many years ago for $10 and was indeed able to officially conduct a marriage ceremony between 2 friends, who are sadly now divorced….unfortunately I seem to have lost the “credentials”, so maybe I need to reapply…glad they’re still accepting new revs !

  13. I need absolving. I’m not telling you for what though. I just need absolving.

  14. Scratch that… I just went and ordained myself.

    I’ll absolve myself, thank you.

  15. That’s the beauty of the Church, Steve. Reverend absolve thyself!

    Sue, I would love to officiate. My fee might be kinda high because I’ll have to charge you for the plane tickets. Unless you want me to do it over the phone (which I’m not opposed to doing). Webcam, perhaps?

  16. Webcam would be perfect. I’ll approach them with the idea and see what we can set up.

  17. I’m a real man of the cloth, but without the cloth. πŸ™‚

  18. Please put the cloth back on, Jefferson.

  19. LOL… That is good one Phil…

  20. What about that term (maybe just a Northern Irish one) “touching cloth πŸ˜‰

  21. I know I’m late on this little conversation, but can I see pictures before I tell you to put the cloth back on?

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  27. I’d like you to absolve me as soon as possible. Thanking you, Jett.

  28. Welcome to the club. πŸ™‚

  29. Welcome to the Universal Life Church

    ~ Brother Michael

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