Free Stuff Kicks Ass


Last night my wife and I were in a nostalgic frame of mind.

We were remembering good times we used to have when we lived in Lafayette, Colorado and were only a block or so away from our friend Ron’s house. It was the party house of the time and during the summer months we used to saunter over and raid his fridge and then wait for him to fire up the BBQ and feed us.

One of the best things about Ron’s Party House was that Ron always had an assortment of drinkee-poo ingredients that could be mixed into the fantabulous Summer Hummer, which was a mix of frozen juice concentrates and pure Grey Goose Vodka. Mmmmmmm. There was nothing better in 90-100 degree weather than a frozen drink to help you forget that your ass, balls and pits were excreting a dangerous fog of smelly B.O.

Since Northern Ireland rarely cracks the 70 degree mark (as it did yesterday) my wife and I decided that we would kick back with a few Hummers and watch the “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl” DVD. It wouldn’t be the same, but what the hell.

Long story short:

We both woke up with mild to severe hang-overs and decided that we should finally celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary with a trip to one of our favorite restaurants for some mussels.

Long story shorter:

What a mistake.

They seated us in the bar area which, at first, we thought would be fine. But then it turned out that a funeral group (who has a funeral on a Sunday?) decided that their booked conference room wasn’t good enough and started drinking/smoking/swearing away their sorrows in the bar a mere 3 centimeters from our table.

Don’t get me wrong, the meal was delicious but we could’ve done without the tattooed thugs (every family has ’em) who showed up pushing themselves into our personal space.

Finally, after eating our 5 star meal as quickly as we could we made a dash downstairs to the manager who obviously thought we tried to do a Dine-n-Dash.

“Was everything OK?” he asked. “I noticed you disappeared quite…abruptly…”

“Um, no,” I said. “We blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….” (You can probably guess what I said. Something along the lines of “When I pay 50 pounds (about $100) I want to enjoy the goddamn meal.” But I said it nicely (I think I said “dang meal”).

Anyway, the guy was super sorry and knocked half the price off the bill. Thereby giving us the mythical “free lunch”.

And free stuff kicks ass.



  1. Free stuff does kick indeed. I carry around a small vial of dead insects just for this purpose. (kidding)….or am I?


    I’m waaaaaay to cheap to pay that much for any kind of food – unless I’m starving.

    I pinch my pennies so hard, they scream.

    Of course I blame this on the price of day care for my kids – $600 every two weeks.

  3. Normally, we don’t spend this kind of money on going out, which is why we got so annoyed (I usually never say anything about service and whatnot).

  4. Didn’t we have a Free Stuff Weekend once? I swear we got free CD’s and other stuff. That was many hummers ago, though. My brain is a little fuzzy on the facts. I’m not sure if it’s the vodka or the 115 degree heat in my somewhat new home in Las Vegas.

    Don’t even get me started about the cost of eating out here. I need to get one of those bug vials.

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