Never Look a Gift God in the Mouth

I- like damn near anyone who has had an email account for longer than 45 seconds- HATE (notice I used all caps, italics AND bold- this is how annoyed I am by what I’m about to say) SPAM (not the nuclear ham/meat/grissle/curing salt/lard based snack- I love that stuff!).

Nope, I’m talking about…well, for pete’s sake you know what I mean.

I don’t want to confirm my bank details, meet local singles in my area, buy ‘cheap herbal Viagra for extended mass erextions (whatever they are), take part in a survey to win an X-Box or help some Nigerian transfer 10 billion dollars to a Western bank following the death of his/her insanely rich Nigerian dirt-clod busting father/mother/Gnu.

However, my tune changed in a mere instant after getting this email yesterday. (My comments are added in parenthesis.) (Oh and the proliferation of those little arrow things are from the original email. I’m all about authenticity and eye goggling typesetting):

>>>This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, he saw me, and he asked: (Oh, this isn’t going to be good. I’ll bet he read my last post. Shit!)

My child, what is your greatest wish for today? >> (Whew! He must’ve been doing laundry or something. Hooray for me!)

I responded: “Lord please; take care of the person who is reading this message, their family and their special friends. They deserve it and I love them very much”>> >>(Well! that was nice of the person that sent me this! I’ll try to remember your birthday this next year, you little bugger!)

The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginnings but Not >>its end. (But if you’re looking at the beginning in say Virginia isn’t that the end of the Atlantic if you were travelling from Ireland? I see what they’re getting at, though) >> >> This message works on the day you receive it. >> >> To some it may sound dumb (Hmmm. I would have chosen a different word than ‘dumb’. It kinda ruins the mood. I would have said, ‘batty’), but the person who sent this to me was >>impressed with >> >> its timing.

Let us see if it is true.

ANGELS EXIST, but sometimes, since they don’t all have wings (some have only breasts and thighs…MMMmmmm…breasts and thighs….) we call them FRIENDS, (oh, right. I was thinking of chicken.) SUCH AS YOU. >> >> >> >> >> (Oh no! They used all-caps! Somebody is either annoyed or wants something! I can just feel it.)

Pass this on to your true friends. >> >> SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TODAY AT 11:11 IN THE EVENING. >> >> SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR. >> >> >> THIS IS NOT A JOKE; SOMEONE WILL CALL YOU BY PHONE OR WILL SPEAK TO YOU >> >> ABOUT SOMETHING THAT YOU WERE WAITING TO HEAR. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN. >> >> SEND IT TO A MINIMUM OF 4 PEOPLE. >>

Wow, that’s a lot to digest and I will say that something truly remarkable did happen last night at 11:11 p.m.

ON THE DOT!

Without going into too much detail, let’s just say that it was amazing and spiritually haunting *wiping away a single tear* and will probably cost me a lot of money.

Because you see at exactly 11:11 p.m. (give or take- we were coming home from the pub so my sense of time was a bit hazy, to say the least) my wife fell face first into the sink on the train home and chipped her front tooth.

However, that’s not the amazing part! (That’s the expensive part.) At the exact moment Ruth was spitting out blood and cursing the fates, the incredibly drunk man across from me was having a very animated conversation with, wait for it, an invisible person! He was obviously handing out the kind of information that I’ve been simply dying to know! And I didn’t hear what he was saying because I had to tend to my poor sick wife.

I can only assume God did read my last entry and was getting His own back (swearing isn’t nice, people. It’s funny, but it’s not nice).

In my defence, and as an act of contrition, I’ve passed this email on to at least four other people (I’m looking at you, blog readers. Mwahahahahahaha!), so I should be getting back on His good side any minute now.

Which is nice.

Nice for me anyway.

Poor Ruth will have to go to the dentist.

(And we both hate them more than SPAM.)

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9 Comments

  1. “Punch holes through walls with your rock hard erection…”

    Why is that most sophisticated that my spam gets?

    *j*

  2. Spam, spam,spam,spam, spam,spam, spam,spam, spam,spam, spam,spam
    , spam,spam, spam,spam, spam,spam, spam,spam, spam,spam, spam,spam, spam,spam
    , spam,spam, spam,spam, spam,spam……..
    A big ol’ piece of SPAM and two slices of Whole Grain Wheat Bread and a Bit ‘O’ Mustard, Now not the yellow crap but some good tasty real mustard…but ya’ know the yellow crap works too in this case.
    Now come to think of it maybe a nice piece of cheese too.
    Yes, Spam, Mustard and Cheese……..
    Yummmmm!!

  3. Oh my goodness… have you riled a PET F*****G pet peeve of mine!

    I’ve had the same e-mail address for over 10 years believe it or not… and DAILY I DELETE over 50 crap e-mails from PEOPLE WITH NO LIFE…

    WHO SENDS THIS CRAP………………………. and even some of MY DEAREST FRIENDS send me CRAP…JUNK…STUPID SHIT…

    We are so blessed to have the technology of the internet, WHY CAN’T OTHERWISE NORMAL PEOPLE NOT FORWARD USELESS CRAP TO ME?????????????/

    And, I AM A WOMAN… I DON’T NEED MY PENIS LARGER…….

    My brass ovaries are large enough, thanks… 🙂

  4. Spam is a pain in the arse, especially when it comes from family. I have a sister that has nothing better to do at her job, than send me useless crap. Aargghh… 🙂

    Malinda777,
    “And, I AM A WOMAN… I DON’T NEED MY PENIS LARGER…….
    My brass ovaries are large enough, thanks… :)”

    Freaking hilarious… 🙂 LOL

  5. I wouldn’t mind the personal/family spam so much if they weren’t being buried by Horny Housewives, Great stock tips, and ebay confirmations (my family members that is– I still don’t want their spam).

  6. God does hate it when you do not forward His chain emails, and will engage the wheels of Bad Luck towards you and your loved ones if you don’t – this is obviously what happened to you & Ruth.

    It says so in Galatians 30:12 – Thou shalt foward this electronic missive to as many people as thy can, lest ye firstborn be eaten by a plague of locusts, sayeth the Lord.

  7. So that’s what happened to our first born! (We thought we left him/her at the laundromat! What a relief!)

  8. Speaking of – this made me laugh (as does this website, in general)

    http://www.marriedtothesea.com


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