Please Leave Me Alone

There’s a new girl at work in my completely imaginary world.

She’s a student. Very blond (in every sense of the stereotypical fashion). And she drives everyone completely insane.

Today, as I was briskly walking by the reception desk on an emergency mission, I heard that voice. The voice that cuts through people’s skulls like a sonic laser beam and makes you want to punch random strangers. The voice that always seems to belong to spoiled rich girls who have no idea that they are, in fact, spoiled rich girls and don’t understand that the rest of the world pretty much despises spoiled rich girls that sound like stereotypical rich girls.

“What to hear a joke that will cheer you up, Wayne?” she trilled.

So many things wrong with this statement. First of all, I wasn’t in a bad mood. I needed to vacate a certain large intestine, and the thing that would most cheer me up would be a few minutes of silence reading today’s paper in silence and not a joke–especially a joke of the “You’ll Shit Yourself” variety. But being the nice guy that I am (and knowing that there was no way this bimbo possessed the comedic skills necessary to worry my present state) I spun around and said, “What?”

“Why doesn’t Eeyore (No, I don’t know how to spell it and I don’t care. But I think this is right) have any friends?” she asked me.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I said.

“Because he plays with Pooh!”

I stared at her for a moment in silence. Apparently, she saw this as her cue to really hit the “joke” home.

“You know, Wayne, Pooh. It’s funny because it’s true! Eeyore plays with Pooh!”

I have nothing more to add to this except that every day I am one step closer to being a really grumpy old man.

Consarn it!



  1. I wanna buy her joke book! LOL

  2. Oh yeah and, I wanna read more stories about her. She might get a fan club on the blogosphere, isn’t it a bit of an imaginary world at times too.

  3. Oh. I’m sure there will be more stories. Actually, there’s already a backlog of stories but I can’t bring myself to tell them.


  4. Um, as a member of the United League of Blondes with Intelligence, I must apologize for your coworker’s attempt at humor. Headquarters has been contacted and we are investigating as to how she got out in the first place.

    Our deepest apologies again.

  5. Thank you Christina, I have every faith in you.

  6. You have faith in Christina?

    Wayne honey, I like you, so I’m gonna tell you the truth. It may hurt, it may shock, but you have the right to know.

    Christina is President of “DUMB” – Dumb United Moronic Blonds.

    Her one brain cell is working over time, frantically trying to figure out why the acronym spells the first word of her organization.

    *laughs and points at Christina*

  7. *bitch slaps nikki into next week*

    I got your DUMB, whore. *wipes hands* That should take care of THAT!

  8. Definitely, if you had crapped yourself, it would have been funnier.

  9. Sometimes, Phil, the sacrifice is not worth the payoff. (I’m just saying.)

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