Wonder Bra Models and Weirdos

Ever since I signed up for Letter to America I’ve come to accept that weird things were going to happen in my life.

Like today.

I really don’t have the time or energy to go on about what happened (mainly, I don’t have the energy) so I’m gonna give you my day in a delicate, yet efficient, bullet-point formation.


  1. Overweight, overly applying perfume bitch stood next to me on the train platform this morning even though I’ve made it abundantly clear in the past that her “perfume” is like two fingers jammed down an anorexic’s bulimic’s throat.
  2. Connecting train was late. I didn’t care. I was too busy throwing up in the train’s bathroom (see point 1). Got to work late.
  3. Work was uneventful and somewhat pleasant for a change. Belief in God rose from .2% probability to .4%
  4. The train ride home started with 2 Calvin Klein models (one female, one male) insisting that I was aware that they were Calvin Klein models on their way to catch the Dublin train. I could not have have cared less except for the fact that the female model was also a model for Wonderbra and pointed out that she really didn’t need one. (She didn’t. Lord did she NOT need a Wonderbra.) I did eventually get annoyed, however, by her “look at my breasts but DON’T look at my breasts” attitude. I was also annoyed that the male model gave me deeper, more loving looks than Ms. Look At My Tits.
  5. After switching trains at Great Victoria Street I ended up sitting across the aisle from one incredibly drunk Scotsman who accidentally caught my eye and insisted on talking to me the rest of the way home. Even when he farted (which he did often) he continued talking shit like you’ve never heard– such as the following:

“Och, what’re you reading? Y’know I once met that guy which wrote that ‘Anne Frank Diary’ thingy. Big guy. Had a thing for Tequila. You live around here?”

I will stop here because I’m frightened. Really, really frightened.



  1. I’m frightened for you. So models really ARE as shallow as they seem. Interesting….(shoveling in another donut while swigging coffee)

  2. It was like ‘Zoolander’ only less funny. The worst part was when Ms. Boobs demanded that the train to Dublin wait so she could have a smoke.

  3. At least the male model didn’t put his hand on your knee.

  4. We don’t know that for sure, Nikki.

  5. True Christina, I didn’t go into any detail about the male model. I never mentioned his piercing blue eyes, his thick lustrous mane, his…I mean, the guy was a jerk. A JERK I tells ya!

  6. Welcome to Northern Ireland …

  7. Thank you, Andy.

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