Ted Haggard– May You Rot in Hell


I don’t like to get political (faithful reader(s) know this) because my anger usually gets the best of me and I sound all unreasonable and shit.

But this fucktard Ted Haggard is the epitome of why I think poor Jesus is spinning in his grave.

I was raised to believe in the so-called “Christian” bullshit way of life.

Unfortunately, the people that taught me this way of life were also liars and hypocrites and sodomites and weirdo dip-shits that clung to a spurious (at best) interpretation of a book that had been edited, re-written and generally bastardized by a “council” of political ass-wipes in a bid to control the mass populace. (This goes back to the ancient Romans. I’m not making this up.)

And what’s up with these lying assholes like Ted, who make millions of dollars out of their preaching gigs? Haven’t they heard the story of how it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven? This guy is a multi-millionaire! Who did he blow to excuse himself from that rule? Is God gay too? Does Ted have his 800 number?

So let’s get this straight: Ted is gay, he’s a drug addict and he’s rich? But he’s leading a church and a congregation that believes he knows how to get into Heaven? Even though he’s supposed to be against all these things? Holy fuck! Now that’s what I call faith!

I’m not an atheist (not yet, anyway) but I seriously can’t take Christians seriously anymore. The Protestants think Catholics are idolaters, the Catholics think they’re drinking the actual blood of Jesus, Mormons are just weird and everybody thinks that everybody else is going to Hell.

And they all think they know “the way”.

Well, I tell ya what. I’m pulling outta the game and I’m going to live my life in a way that treats ALL people with respect.

But Christians… and Ted, I’m looking your way…you’ve got some making up to do.

Why not admit that you’re human? Maybe then we could all just get along.



  1. Extreme? Yes. But, I’m still applauding. Are you reading that Dawkins book too? I think it’s difficult as a recovering Christian not to fly into a white hot rage with stuff like this comes to light. It’s just a good reminder why I left it all behind.

  2. Thank you, Jama.

    I’ve got a lot of baggage on this front but I think the worst part is that I’m GLAD this jerk has been caught– and that goes against my wanting everyone to just chill.

  3. Why paint all Christians with the same brush?

    And my $0.02: I can’t fathom why anyone would be an athiest. Life is far too complex and intricate for there not to be.

  4. maybe he’ll start singing that song by Merle Haggard…

    Lord, don’t give up on me
    I’ll be right some day
    Lord, don’t tune me out, don’t go away
    I’m just a wandering pilgrim, all alone
    And lord, I’m only halfway home

    Are they related?

  5. Phil- I’m not necessarily painting all Christians with the same brush, I’m kinda paintballing a certain sub-category of those who treat the teachings of Jesus as a business plan. Also, the fact that Rumsfeld retired today is pretty good proof of a higher intelligence.

    Cyber- I doubt they’re related. Merle has talent.

  6. Fair enough – just keep in perspective, we don’t all agree/follow with the Pat Robertsons of the world, despite their super-human strength.

  7. OMG… so true, and amen. I grew up playing the piano in a Baptist church, and I love the Lord and all that goes with that. But I REMEMBER…BEWARE FALSE PROPHETS…

    You’re SO RIGHT…may he burn in hell. These evangalists…so full of shit. Billy Graham was the only one that I ever knew that had his shit together.

    I don’t get it as a human, but I suppose this dipshit is the reason Christ hung on a cross and stated “Forgive them for they know not what they do”… but this guy…while taking THOUSANDS of dollars from followers… he KNEW what he was doing. SHAME SHAME…

    PLEASE THOUGH… let’s NOT confuse one Haggard with the “HAG”… Sinned though he has, I’ll take the outlaw music over the “fag hag” anyday. (And, that’s NO DIS to the wonderful honest and open homosexual folks)… Be what you are…just don’t hide behind other folks money and the bible to do it (while you keep a wife and kids) “on the side”…

  8. Hmmm… I’m getting much more subdued responses than I sorta expected. Could it be that more and more people are finally starting to see through these charletans? (Not counting the 36 million or whatever members of the Holy Roller Council, of course…)

  9. No one would disagree with your premise – and that was sort of my point…the majority of Christians (in my humble opinion) are not blind followers of men like Haggard (even though, no one knew what he was doing – I could share an eerily similar, yet amusing tale about our old music minister…I story I love to recount).

    But when you say “I can’t take Christians anymore”…that’s an unfair statement. Christians, as a whole, have little to do with the likes of Ted Haggard, abortion protestors, gay-bashers, or the like. It’s just the small faction of kooks who do are the ones that are always on the news.

  10. Maybe I could do a special series of “Tell Wayne Your Creepy/Funny/Psychotic Tales of Churchgoing”

    Phil- you go first…

  11. It is very similar to the Ted Haggard story…perhaps they all go down this way (pun intended).

    Late one night at an area park (named “Best Friend Park” but perhaps could have been more aptly named “Best Friend with Benefits Park”), the local police were staking out the park for lewd and immoral acts that occur on a constant basis, for some reason, in this and other surrounding parks (why do sexual deviants always do their sexual deviations in parks? a hotel, or even, their bedroom might be considered more discreet).

    Lo and behold they spot a man giving a blow job to some random gentleman who had walked up to his car minutes earlier. That man (the giver, not the receiver) was our Minister of Music from our very southern Baptist Church. He was married, no children, and had served at our church for many many years.

    The best part was his explanation: He said he had arrived to the park to “meditate”. It was 1 or 2 am in the morning. It was about 45 degrees out, yet his window was rolled down. A stranger approached him, and struck up a conversation about “working out” (as typically happens at 1 a.m. in a park while sitting in your car). The man had lifted his shirt and asked our Minister of Music to “feel his abs”, which the MoM complied – not wanting to be rude. This is when the police arrived and accused him of performing a sexual act in a public park.

    My friends and I have gotten miles out of this story, which is frankly better if you had been able to experience the whole thing first hand – specifically the MoM’s explanation in front of the congregation (which brings me to the “eerily similar” part of Ted Haggard’s explanation that he had merely received a “massage” and nothing more- a victim of circumstance…).

    And guess what? Turns out one of our former associate pastors recently came out as being gay also. He was married with 2 kids. It was one of those things where once you hear it, you think “yeah, I’m not suprised” – but you never would have guessed it prior to his coming out.

  12. Yeah, I was kind of kidding about the whole sharing your story thing but thanks, Phil!

    Unfortunately, any story I could tell would not be funny. I grew up honestly terrified of anybody of any “power” within the church.

    I’ll think about it though and maybe bless you all with a funny anecdote later on.

  13. As the Bible says, “Ask and ye shall receive”.

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