My New Year Begins…………NOW!!!

Here they are.

My New Year Resolutions.

They’re not fancy.

They’re not creative.

But they’re practical and they will hopefully keep me from doing something ever so bad.

*AHEM*

1. Get a new job.

2. Don’t kill anyone at my current job.

3. No more booze (did I just say that? Oh shit!)

4. Find my sanity.

5. Get a new job.

I think that ought to do it!

If you can think of anything more, let me know. But I probably won’t listen. I’m too busy finding a new job.

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The Times They Are A-Changin…

I’m working on my New Year’s Resolution List.

Normally, I don’t fall for this type of mass migration/mentality but, this year, things have to change.

I will post my life altering list in a couple of days.

Hope you all had a great Christmas and together we will all have a happy New Year!

(I promise.)

UMMMMMMMMM…. oh yeah!!

Yep.

Still here.

Didn’t know that buying a house would take each and every minute of my life.

So be it.

Merry Christmas, all.

I will be in contact soon.

(Jesus, why didn’t anyone tell me that buying a house took up ALL your time? You people suck. Sort of. (I’m guessing you think this is kind of funny. Oh well.)

Night. Night.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Shhhhhh!

I have to type quietly because it’s late at night.

Well, it’s late at night somewhere. It’s actually just around noon here in Belfast. I’m trying to be polite to the weirdoes who live in the unnatural time zones outside of proper Greenwich Meantime. This is real time people. And it’s not simply my opinion, its scientific fact.

Anyway, things are great here in Belfast! I’m having the absolute time of my life this holiday season. The shopping crowds are polite and ever so pleasant with ne’er a small child screaming his fool head off–though I did get caught rolling my eyes at an elderly gentleman who blocked the cookie aisle at Sainsbury’s recently. His daughter saw me and instantly busted my balls in the rude way common to so many people around here:

HER: Pardon me. If you say excuse me, he’ll move!

ME: Wind yer neck in, thunder twat! Yer away in the head, ya minger!

After a small scuffle and exchange of comments derisive of each others alleged cause of red-headedness and too-close eyes we discovered that deep down inside we were all just simple humans and we all had a good, festive, hardy laugh and parted ways the best of friends with sincere wishes of Holiday Cheer. And that’s what Christmas is all about!

HO HO HO! Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Festivus or whatever!

Hi. Wayne here. I know none of you are buying this turd polishing. You know as well as I do that if you ran the phrase, ‘Things are great here in Belfast’ through the Bullshit Translator on Google it would read more correctly as:

I’m one, very small, snide comment away from filleting my portly boar of a boss with a dull, rusty butter knife and pissing up his nostrils while I steal his watch.

I’m saying nice things on the outside because that’s what you do this time of year, but I speak them with a soulless grin and a twitchy trigger finger. My current work situation, combined with the stress of moving and other not so niceties is creating high octane mental fuel and if I don’t find a solution very, very soon I’m not sure I’ll be able to manage a controlled release, if you know what I’m saying.

Life, if it has taught me anything, it’s taught me never to burn my bridges. Mainly because I can’t afford to now that I’m a responsible home owner, goddamn it.

So, let’s all forget everything I’ve just said. I mean, I love you all. No, really!

Especially you, Thunder Twat!

Wii Will Rock You

I would like to tell you that I’ve been incredibly busy getting everything ready for Christmas but since my wife had to go to England again (leaving me all by my lonesome on the very weekend that the new Nintendo Wii was launched) I had no choice but to find suitable entertainment.

I won’t say how I scored the new games system without a pre-order (pre-orders are for losers and people who actually plan for the future, I always say) but it involved a gut feeling and a large pay-off to an employee at a store I won’t mention in a city that rhymes with Delfast.

Sadly, karma being the cosmic bitch that it is, my upper body is nearly paralyzed from swinging the stupid Wii remote around like an inbecile.

I will report back later when I can type without bringing tears to my eyes.

I Should Never Open My Mouth

Here is a word for word transcript of the conversation my wife and I had moments before she left for her company Christmas party this past Saturday evening. You’ll notice that the first part is what was going through my wife’s head and not something that was actually told to me. I’m a pretty insightful guy so I’m sure this is EXACTLY what was going through her mind.

WIFE: (Thinking to herself) Wow! I look good! I mean I really look good! This new dress is quite flattering and even though I’m not used to high heels these kicky little numbers sure do accentuate my calf muscles! Oh, I can’t wait for the party! Good food…all my friends from work and a DJ! I’m actually going to dance and I won’t have dumb ol’ hubby sitting somewhere in the corner sleeping like he did the last time we went to a nightclub–the jerk! Who sleeps at a nightclub? Anyway, boy do I look good! Feeling fine and looking finer! That’s me!

WIFE: (To me) Well, honey (twirling in a glamorous fashion). It’s time for me to get going. Ahem. I said, ‘It’s time for me to get going!’

ME: Ok. I’ll get the car keys. By the way, I bought a new wireless router and hid all the stupid cables behind the TV. I had to move the phone over here behind the chair ‘cuz there wasn’t enough outlets where it was. Oh, and the surround sound speakers sort of work but I’m not sure what the deal is with the center channel. I’ll put in ‘Batman Begins’ while you’re out and make sure the sub-woofer doesn’t vibrate too much against the wall…

WIFE: (Heavy sigh) I don’t dress up like this everyday, you know. Do I look alright?

ME: (Startled) You’ve got big boobs.

I will leave the end of this conversation to your imagination.

I Would If I Could

If I could find the digital camera in one of the approximate 47,000 boxes we have lieing lyeing sitting in my fucking way, I’d post some pics of the new flat.

Instead, I’m “doomed” to type away in my new personal “den” area with my new fantastic wireless interwub capability. I shall no longer annoy me wifey with my tap-tap-tapping and swear-swear-swearing when I feel the urge to dump my mental crusties onto the general public (that’s you folks, by the way).

Actually, I’ve got A LOT of mental crusties these days (i.e. work, moving, people being sick, work, bad sandwhiches, work and a little bit of work) but I promise I won’t bore you with the details except to say that about two weeks ago I had a bit of a breakdown.

I’m feeling better now. The flat has been a great distraction and I feel like I’ve done some work that has actual, immediate results (unlike advertising where it’s all guesswork and bullshit. I’ve spilled blood on the floors of this place and it felt fucking GREAT! I have spilled no blood whatsoever at work. That could change, however (but it won’t be mine)).

So that’s where I’ve been. Working on the flat and trying to grow up a bit without strangling people.

It’s a start, I suppose.

Special Update: I am now typing from the “Master Bedroom” of our new flat… sans wires. Yes, I know that the rest of the world has been wireless for upwards of 5 years now but this is new to me. This will probably make my marriage at least .005% better cuz Ruth is instantly driven crazy when I use Skype whilst in the same room as her. Now I should get pretty average results from any room in the flat! This is awesome.

Special Update Number Two: I was just reading through some of the previous comments where people were (slightly) concerned with my health. Let me just update a little and say the following:

1. Blood pressure= textbook (Doctor’s own words)

2. Height= 6 foot 4. (This was a surprise. I thought I was only 6 foot 2.)

3. Weight=182. It seems I am at least 10 pounds UNDERWEIGHT. Sweet!

Thank you for your concern.