I Should Never Open My Mouth

Here is a word for word transcript of the conversation my wife and I had moments before she left for her company Christmas party this past Saturday evening. You’ll notice that the first part is what was going through my wife’s head and not something that was actually told to me. I’m a pretty insightful guy so I’m sure this is EXACTLY what was going through her mind.

WIFE: (Thinking to herself) Wow! I look good! I mean I really look good! This new dress is quite flattering and even though I’m not used to high heels these kicky little numbers sure do accentuate my calf muscles! Oh, I can’t wait for the party! Good food…all my friends from work and a DJ! I’m actually going to dance and I won’t have dumb ol’ hubby sitting somewhere in the corner sleeping like he did the last time we went to a nightclub–the jerk! Who sleeps at a nightclub? Anyway, boy do I look good! Feeling fine and looking finer! That’s me!

WIFE: (To me) Well, honey (twirling in a glamorous fashion). It’s time for me to get going. Ahem. I said, ‘It’s time for me to get going!’

ME: Ok. I’ll get the car keys. By the way, I bought a new wireless router and hid all the stupid cables behind the TV. I had to move the phone over here behind the chair ‘cuz there wasn’t enough outlets where it was. Oh, and the surround sound speakers sort of work but I’m not sure what the deal is with the center channel. I’ll put in ‘Batman Begins’ while you’re out and make sure the sub-woofer doesn’t vibrate too much against the wall…

WIFE: (Heavy sigh) I don’t dress up like this everyday, you know. Do I look alright?

ME: (Startled) You’ve got big boobs.

I will leave the end of this conversation to your imagination.



  1. Passionate love making probably did not ensue.

  2. Hmm..This is a tough one. I’d have to say she got PO’d, when you uttered those words. Well, it all depends, I suppose. I can’t say for sure, because some women might like it, while others would hate it. 🙂

  3. -Off Topic-
    Do you remember how I was boasting about my lovely weather. Well, it has finally turned off cold. It is -6 degrees Celsius outside. Jeezz… 🙂

  4. Boys are dumb.

  5. On the theme …

    Q: What’s the difference between a Belfast bin and a Belfast wife?

    A: The bin gets taken out every two weeks!

  6. All men are dumb. Luckily, my wife is a saint and she retaliated by passing this story on to anyone and everyone who would listen (apparently this was everyone) at her Christmas party. I have paid my dues.

  7. There was a followup:

    A: Only one falls over when it’s full!

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s