How to Train Your Dog in 15 Million Easy Steps

sparky.jpg

This morning (6.45 am) I woke to this:

WIFE: Down, Sparky. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down.

Good dog!

No.

Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down.

What the fuck?

NO!

Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down.

Good dog! Yes, that’s a good boy! Yes, it is! Such a good dog. Who’s my boy? Who’s my boy? Who’s my boy? Who’s my boy?

Fucking shit!

Down! Down! DOWN! DOWN!

Good boy!

Don’t wake up Wayne! Nooooo sireee! Noooooo sireee! Don’t wake up Wayne! Don’t wake him up! No doggy… No we don’t want to wake up Wayne.

No we don’t!

No we don’t!

You will, of course, notice at this point that Sparky has not barked, growled, whimpered, farted or yipped. Sparky was not the one in danger of waking me up. But I still love them.

Both of them.

But one was taking a slight lead until they decided that MY sofa was now THEIR sofa.

Bad dog! Bad Sparky.

(Oh, I can’t stay mad at him…)

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7 Comments

  1. Sparky needs an ass-beating every once in while…a stern “no” isn’t going to cut it.

    It’s how I raise my kids, and it’s how you should raise your dog.

  2. NO to ass beating. No, no, no, no! Bad Phil!

  3. Just pour a wee bit of Guinness in his water bowl. He’ll either sleep all day, or go hunt down a female dog. Cool dog Wayne. 🙂

  4. Phil- I’m leaning towards your recommendations. Of course you should beat your children, that goes without saying, but dogs are a slightly higher life form- do you think it’s still justifiable?

    I will keep you posted…

  5. Well, I do like Jefferson’s suggestion of feeding it alcohol….

    I get the feeling Jama would smack me with a paper before she would an animal.

  6. Two booze hounds in one household is plenty without encouraging another– especially one that is having a ‘wee’ problem already (and yes, I’m talking about the dog- not me or my wife (maybe) (probably)).

  7. I wouldn’t smack anybody, Phil. I’m all bark, no bite you see. Uhhhh… that stunk, didn’t it?


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