France, French, Francais… Fuck off!




The wife and I are leaving on Friday.

I’m totally looking forward to our Dan Brown Da Vinci Code experience. We leave on Friday (shhhhh! I’m taking Thursday off too. You don’t need to know why).

The thing is, I think snails are gross.

I stomp on them in my dainty little ‘welly boots’ every time I take the Champion Dog of the World out for a piss in our back garden. They (the snails) add nothing to my everyday existence (I’m very shallow). I hate them (the snails) even tho’ the Frogs (the French) eat them (garden snails) all the time (weirdos).

In Paris, I’m expected to eat them (the same garden snails I stomp upon).

I’ve had es cargo (that doesn’t seem right but that’s what Firefox suggests) before and it was, in my professional experience, “ok”. It kinda just tasted like rubbery garlic, but maybe that was just me.

But in gay Paris those dirt eating squishy slugs are a tried and true delicacy.

Either way, I’m gonna have fun.

(Even if I starve to death.)



  1. Be very careful eating out in Paris – there’s some great food to be had but there are also some terrible tourist traps. Be brave and follow the advice my mumma taught me… never eat in a restaurant with an English translation of the menu 🙂

    I’ll set you off with a clue:

    snails = escargots

    *j* (living the French dream)

  2. For a true Culninary experience you HAVE to try Dans Le Noir. As the name suggests you eat your dinner in the dark. Actually, it’s more than just ‘dark’. It’s darker than the darkest recesses of a very dark place, at night, and with a blindfold on. You’re not even allowed to bring in your watch lest it glows and ruins things. Luckily all the waiters are blind, so they can help you find your seat.

    An experience not to be haw-hee-hawed at.

  3. france! Harumph, harumph!!
    Ya’ wanna’ go to a foreign country then go to rural Alabama or Oklahoma.

  4. Surely they will have a McDonald’s or something there?

  5. James- thanks for the tip. But if there’s no translation how will I know what I’m eating? Do they have picture menus like at Chinese restaurants?

    Stephen- I can’t tell if you’re kidding or not. Either way, I like to at least SEE my food.

    brianf- I’ve been to rural Oklahoma. I think I’ll take a pass on Alabama– I’ve got a real purty mouth, you see…

    Phil- I always make it a point to NOT eat at any established franchise when I travel. I’ll brave it out somehow.

  6. “Aves vous du jambon?”
    All you need to know.

  7. I thought all I needed to know was, “Mon crayon et grande!”

  8. “My pencil AND large!” will probably not get you as far as you think.
    “Do you have any ham?” will work wonders.

  9. Ham. Oh, ham. Yes! The French love the ham and it saved my soul more times than I can count. Du jambon… oh yeah.

  10. Hope it served you well.

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