Shhhhhh…..!

gotta be quiet…everyone around me is napping. must type in small letters only.

dallas the sleep master general of the beagle world is snoring on the loveseat. grandpa is snoring in the recliner next to me. grandpa always denies it when he’s caught napping. his ho wife the smiley fakey bitch from hell the ‘big d’ keeps coming in and yelling ‘are you asleep ‘l’ (that’s a small letter ‘l’ by the way. not a ‘1’)? wake up. you’re terrible company.’ then she storms off to the other room to read her ‘what would god do without me?’ books while grandpa, dallas and me are left looking at each other in confusion. i don’t understand why grandpa denies he’s been sleeping. he gets yelled at anyway.

grandpa’s cool and all but he won’t give up the remote. he has a bumper sticker on his rental car that says ‘you can have the remote when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.’

he’s serious about entertainment control.

it’s just too bad that he keeps falling asleep while he’s surfing. grandpa surfs endlessly. he does his 83 odd years justice. he’s a fucking pro. but like i said, it’s too bad he falls asleep while he’s doing it. right now i’m watching the shopping channel. 20 minutes ago i was happily watching a ‘scrubs’ re-run. 30 minutes from now i’ll probably be watching fox news.

GRANDPA, WAKE UP!

(by the way, i’m enjoying my holiday. thanks for asking. too bad my hometown is soooooooooo goddamn boring. i’ll post some pics when i hit the land of 40 shades of green. until then, use your imagination. it’s easy. just think ‘dirt’.)

Smell Ya Later

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Yo Peeps!

I’m outta here.

Probably won’t be able to update/blog over the next two weeks. Not because I can’t but because all of my creative energy will be spent on not killing certain so-called-step-relatives. My personal feeling is that all step-grandparents should not be recognized by any law- legal or implied.

WHAT????

Sorry.

I’m getting yelled at by the wife about some damn relationship “issue” so I’m going to cut this short.

See you in a couple of weeks.

(maybe)

Goddamn Cats

Sorry to double post but this shit is funny.

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Obviously, this is from the world’s most hated site “ICANHASCHEEZBURGER.COM”

I mean, I hate them.

They’re really popular.

(I fucking hate them. It’s about cats, for fucks sake!)

There Was Something I Meant to Say…

I’m just a few days away from my trip back to the You Ess of Ayyyy!!!

This will be my first journey back to the homeland in over two years.

Jesus Christ, things have changed!

I suppose my first port of call will be the White House where I will personally put Ass-Hat Bush in a headlock until he passes out and stops trying to convince us that Iran needs a nuke-type wake up call (I’m serious Georgy-Porgy, you fuck with Iran and drag us further into another un-winnable war and I’m gonna personally track you down and bite off your balls with my own motherfucking teeth (and my teeth are really mother fuckin’ totally mother fuckingly fucking dull)).

But that’s neither here nor there.

In actual fact, I’m flying back to my old stomping grounds of Colorado. (Goddamn, I wish I was from D.C. It would have totally saved me travel expenses!)

The point is, I’m going back to my good ol’ homeland where I will buy tons of under priced shit-tastic clothing and electrical items while I pretend that the ill-informed opinions of my old friends/family who think America is Funky-Fantastic (it isn’t. I’ve seen reports otherwise) are totally valid.

This should be fun.

If I don’t post in the meantime it’s only because I’m too drunk/pissed off/astonished/angry to do otherwise.

Oh Sweet Fucking Shit

I was sitting here, waiting for my computer to re-start after an all important update from Bill Gates, when my psycho dog from the netherworld started throwing his stupid fucking ‘Ball-O-Treats’ into my crotch which made me totally forget what the hell it was that I was going to philosophize upon. (For those who don’t have dogs, the ‘Ball-O-Treats’ is a rubber ball with a hole that you squeeze bite-sized yummy dog style treats that smell like armpit mold into. The idea is your pet throws the ball around and, eventually, one of those fucking treats will eventually fall out of the hole so your dog can eat it. It keeps them mentally busy- like a Master’s Thesis, only food related. (Dogs love shit like this. It keeps their mind off their inherent desire to kill you.))

Anyway, I’m thinking my original idea/post might have been something about how, when I walk “Sparkles the Shite-Wise Dildo” that other people are secretly envious of me. (I just know that they’re looking upon his innate cuteness and saying to themselves (if they’re not dog owners) “Damn, that little doggy sure is the cuteness!” or (if they are dog owners) “How can I discreetly shoot my mutt, bury him without legal interference and steal THAT glorious dog of innate cuteness?”)

Of course, I might have been ready to tell you all about how today was the first time in my ever changing/non-directional career path that I was invited to sit in on an interview for a prospective (female) junior copywriter.

I’m not one to brag but, at one point, I broke into the love fest of standard, legal Q&A and asked the all important question: “Would you be offended if somebody farted next to you and called you a cunt? Cuz that’s gonna happen.” (When you work in advertising, this is a very important. We’re all jerks.)

With baited breath, we waited.

And…

She laughed…

She starts in a couple o’ weeks.

I Hear You Brother

I was looking at my search terms and, amazingly (or maybe not so ‘amazingly’) one of the biggest search queries for this blog was “The Christian Reformed Church Sucks”.

Oh man.

Don’t get me started.

(Big hearty pause… Have a drink. Get to know your neighbor!)

And because you didn’t get me started, I will hold back.

I won’t go totally fucking ballistic on a religion that’s got it’s fucking theology so far up its fucking anal retentive gay hating life despising women hating children hostage holding life sucks and you WILL BE PUNISHED FOR EVERY GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING THING YOU DO INCLUDING SHITTING AND BREATHING-Way-Of-Life-Lifestyle.

Nope. I won’t say a word.

But write me if you’re feeling guilty.

I know how you feel.

Liar, liar, pants on fire!!!

People here bitch CONSTANTLY about the weather.

It’s true.

However, this summer I’m joining the throngs and I will now add me voice to the bitchy crowds who agree, “This summer sucks the back balls of all that is human and good.”

I’m just saying…

To add to my dismay and confusion this is the current weather “forecast”:

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You see that? It says it’s a rainy and shitty (11 degrees centigrade is roughly 52 degrees Fahrenheit (that’s SHITTY for August 7th, no matter where you are)).

But have a look at this:

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Yup.

This was taken approximately 3 seconds after I took a pic of the bullshit forecast/”nowcast” of the internet.

Clear and blue.

Lovely.

And definitely warmer than 11 degrees Canadian (or whatever).

In fact, the aforementioned prediction/have-you-looked-outside-you-dildo-cast did not foresee me dripping sweat as I took Sparky the WunderVeazle for his nightly constitution in the sweltering muck/fog/humidity that is Northern Ireland.

I find this to be a serious chink in the Weather Channel Armor.

To tell the truth, tonight was actually quite pleasant and dry.

Not a drop of rain.

No brisk winds.

No windy winds.

Anyway, I don’t want to bitch.

But for fuck’s sake, can’t somebody come up with something like a freaking accurate weather forecast?

I’m just saying.